Community

The contemplative life is often depicted as a solo and introspective one, featuring a lone monk meditating on a mountain, a robed ascetic sitting alone under a tree, a contemplative secluded in a quiet monastery. The reality is different. Even monks who embark on retreats do so with the support of their communities. Indeed, our happiness and health depend on the goodwill, cooperation, kindness, and compassion of others. To be in the company of like-minded, loving souls is one of the greatest blessing.

Relationships play a vital role in health and happiness. One of the longest longitudinal studies on happiness- the Harvard Study of Adult Development- found positive human connections to be key to well-being. While many predictors of health and happiness do matter- from nutrition to sleep to exercise- good relationships stand out. Other longitudinal studies from around the world have replicated these findings:

• The British Cohort Studies include five large, nationally representative groups born in particular years (beginning with a group of baby boomers born just after World War II and most recently including a group of children born at the start of the current millennium) and have followed them across their entire lives.

• The Mills Longitudinal Study has followed a group of women since their high school graduation in 1958.

• The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study began studying 91 percent of the children born in a small New Zealand city in 1972 and continues to follow them into middle age (and more recently to follow their children).

• The Kauai Longitudinal Study ran for three decades and included all of the children born on the Hawaiian island of Kauai in 1955, most of whom were of Japanese, Filipino, and Hawaiian heritage.

• The Chicago Health, Aging, and Social Relations Study (CHASRS), begun in 2002, intensively studied a diverse group of middle-aged men and women for more than a decade.

• The Healthy Aging in Neighborhoods of Diversity Across the Life Span (HANDLS) study has been examining the nature and sources of health disparities in thousands of Black and White adults (aged 35–64) in the city of Baltimore since 2004.

One interesting study highlighting the importance of relationships is called the Roseto Effect. Roseto Valfortore is a small town about one hundred miles southeast of Rome, Italy. In 1882, eleven Rosetans emigrated to America, settling in Eastern Pennsylvania and working in the slate mines. Soon, more Rosetans flocked to Pennsylvania, and the mining town was renamed Roseto.

In the late 1950s, Stewart Wolf, then head of Medicine at the University of Oklahoma, attended a seminar in Pennsylvania where he met a local doctor who shared a surprising statistic: Roseto had very few cases of heart attacks despite the prevalence of heart disease in the state. Intrigued, Wolf and several researchers examined death certificates from the mid-1950s and 1960s at the state and federal levels. They found that Roseto had nearly no heart attacks for the otherwise high-risk group of men aged 55 to 64. Men over 65 had a death rate of 1%, while the national average was 2% from 1954 to 1961.

A further examination of records showed no ulcers, no suicides, no drug addiction, no alcoholism, and virtually no crime in Roseto. Compared to neighboring towns, Rosetans were half as likely to suffer from heart attacks, hypertension, and strokes. Yet, their diet was unhealthy, they did not follow an exercise regimen, many were overweight, drank copiously, and smoked.

Researchers ruled out genetics, as records of Rosetans living in other parts of the country showed their mortality rate from heart disease was similar to that of other Americans.

The difference was attributed to the social structure and culture of Roseto. The residents lived in close-knit communities, took care of each other, and engaged as a community through local clubs, organizations, and potlucks. Several generations often lived under the same roof, and elders were revered and cared for.

High-quality interpersonal relationships were the primary factor accounting for the Rosetans' long and happy lives. Unfortunately, these differences gradually disappeared as they became more "Americanized" and embraced rugged self-reliance and self-centered individualism.

The strong, cohesive familial and community bonds that characterized 1950's Roseto gave way to the Great Unraveling of family and community.

Much of the distress we experience is the result of this unraveling.

Like it or not, we are interdependent. No infant would survive long without care. And the most self-reliant survivalist would not survive long without tools created by others or skills taught or shared by others. As the Roseto and Harvard studies show, close knit and caring relationships promote physical and psychological health. Conversely, the lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure.

Why do relationships play such a vital role in health and happiness?

Scientists are looking to molecular biology and neuroscience for answers and drilling down to the cellular level.

Neuropeptides are chemical signals in the brain. Tachykinins are neuropeptides. The best-known tachykinin is substance P, which, along with other tachykinins, has been implicated in health and disease. The discovery of the roles of substance P and other tachykinins in pain, inflammation, cancer, depressive disorder, immune function, gut function, hematopoiesis, sensory processing and hormone regulation has lead to extensive research. The tachykinin neuropeptides bind to specific receptors on other neurons, altering their physiological properties and thereby influencing neural circuit function and, by extension, behavior, such that they've been nicknamed the "Loneliness Molecule."

Other tachykinins (Tac2) encode a neuropeptide called neurokinin B (NkB). Tac2/NkB is produced by neurons in specific regions of the brain such as the amygdala and hypothalamus, which are involved in emotional and social behavior in humans and mice. Humans have an analogous Tac2 signaling system.

Chronic isolation leads to an increase in Tac2 gene expression and the production of NkB throughout the brain.  This neuropeptide acts globally across the brain to coordinate diverse behavioral responses to social isolation stress (Anderson et al., 2018).

Prolonged social isolation leads to a broad array of behavioral changes. These include increased aggressiveness, persistent fear, and hypersensitivity to threatening stimuli.

During periods of social isolation, another class of brain cells called astrocytes become hyperactive. Hyperactive astrocytes suppresses circuit and memory formation. In a healthy brain, astrocytes protect the central nervous system by producing antioxidant and anti-inflammatory proteins, clean the extracellular environment, and help neurons to communicate correctly with each other. Under stress, however, excessive, or continued production appears as a characteristic element in many diseases, such as Alzheimer’s disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, multiple sclerosis, and in neurodevelopmental diseases, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and autism (Jorda et al., 2023).

Loneliness is associated with brain-processing patterns that can change the ways in which we understand the world and affirm our perception of being different or of not belonging. These beliefs impair our ability to sustain social bonds. Abnormal structure and/or activity was discovered in the prefrontal cortex and insula of lonely subjects. The prefrontal cortex mediates emotional regulation and inhibitory control; the insula plays a role in emotional pain and self-awareness (Lee et al., 2021).

“Lonely people process the world idiosyncratically, which may contribute to the reduced sense of being understood that often accompanies loneliness,” the researchers said in the study. “In other words, we found that non-lonely individuals were very similar to each other in their neural responses, whereas lonely individuals were remarkably dissimilar to each other and to their non-lonely peers.”

The researchers said the findings “raise the possibility that being surrounded predominantly by people who view the world differently from oneself may be a risk factor for loneliness (even if one socializes regularly with them).”

Connection, by contrast, has its own biochemical signature. Recent research published in NeuroImage has found that romantic couples exhibit greater synchronization in both behavior and brain activity compared to close friends.

Connection is a biological imperative- as important as sleep, nutrition, or exercise.

“Loneliness alerts us to potential threats, and damage to our social body, and in doing so, increases our motivation to bond with others,” writes Stephanie Cacioppo, author of Wired for Love. “It’s the brain’s way of telling you: You’re in social danger, you’re on the periphery of the group, you feel left out, misunderstood, you need protection, inclusion, support, and love. One of the most important things that love can do, it turns out, is shield us from the ravages of chronic loneliness.”

Fortunately, there are simple practices that can connect us. She suggests:

Gratitude: Every day, write down five things you truly appreciate. Science shows that expressing gratitude improves emotional wellbeing.

Reciprocity: If you know someone who feels lonely, ask them for help or for advice. Showing respect can give a lonely person a sense of worth and belonging that decreases feelings of isolation.

Choice: The tricky thing about loneliness is that, to some extent, it’s self-fulfilling. The more you think you are lonely, the more you are. To break the spiral, shift your mindset and choose to be curious about how you can make meaningful connections.

Enjoy: Smiling and sharing good times (or good news) with people helps reduce loneliness and increase happiness.

Altruism: Volunteering and sharing your knowledge, will give you a feeling of self-expansion that is similar to what people experience when they are in a love relationship.

“Service is one of the most powerful antidotes we have to loneliness.” — Dr. Vivek Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General.

Being of service with like-minded people raises self-esteem and feelings of belonging, both crucial to warding off one of the most pressing public health issues of our time. Not only does it increase human connection, it aids in self-efficacy. We choose where and when we want to volunteer our time. It gives us meaning and purpose. Volunteering allows us to upskill, to grow, to stretch.

This blog is a labor of love. The retreats and workshops I run are donations based. I give from the heart expecting nothing in return. Much of my happiness is tied to this love work. The little self finds its highest expression in service to the whole of which I am a part. Just as the trillions of atoms and cells that make up me have their own knowing and just as the trillions of microbes that make up my gut flora are indifferent to my ambitions, I suspect that we, too, are mere cells in a larger body politic. The healthier and happier we are, the more synergy and cooperation there is.

Would that it was this easy or obvious. Real love work takes pro-social motivation, communication skills, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence. Beginning with the right motivation and a recognition of our interdependence, we cultivate a sincere desire to help others by recognizing the importance of kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and love. Yes, love.

"We continue to scoff at love," said Leo Buscaglia. "And the result? More loneliness, more aspirins, more high blood pressure, more psychotherapists, more ulcers, more headaches, more frigidity, more impotence, more insomnia, more laxatives, more anorexia, more overeating, more weariness, more boredom, more despair, more suspicion, more drugs, more intoxication, more mistakes, more frustration, more fear, more suicides, more hate, more prejudice, more killing, more prisons, more divorces, more failures, more sadness, more envy, more pain, more violence, more ignorance, more bigotry, more stupidity, more apathy, more tears, more death."

What we call love has a neural pattern. The activation pattern of love is generated in the basal ganglia, the midline of the forehead, the precuneus and the temporoparietal junction at the sides of the back of the head. All types of interpersonal love engage social cognition areas with varying intensity. Love for romantic partners, friends, strangers, pets and nature have their own patterns. Parental love triggers the strongest activation in the brain’s reward system. Compassionate love for strangers shows less brain activation. Love of nature activates the reward system and visual areas of the brain, but not the social brain areas (Rinne, 2024).

From a place of goodwill, we can work more effectively. Identifying our work is one place to begin. By work, I don't mean occupation, but the inner work that needs doing. We may be egotistical, mean-spirited, selfish, jealous, greedy, ill-tempered, fearful, critical, judgmental, cruel, insincere, manipulative, controlling, fearful, narcissistic, cold, lazy, bigoted, entitled, negative, irresponsible, lustful, quick to anger, indifferent, or attached. Identifying our weaknesses, assuming accountability for our thoughts, words, and actions, and resolving to change is not easy. This work requires a degree of self-forgiveness, self-compassion, self-awareness, patience, and resolve. Purifying the thought stream allows us to build out character from a sincere place of humility and integrity that's worth the effort.

Just as a role has responsibilities, the inner work also has responsibilities. And just as every job has a desired skill set, the inner work has its own skill set. Dialing down stress, cultivating goodwill and compassion, forgiveness, letting go, reframing, avoiding cognitive distortions, deconstruction, detachment, and kindness are skills we can cultivate explicitly.

My job as bookkeeper may require that I reconcile accounts at the end of each week; my real work that week may require me to have an honest conversation I'm scared to initiate. My job as CEO may require me to deliver a presentation to the board; my real work may be to understand multiple perspectives with compassion and kindness. My job as a mechanic may require me to rebuild an engine; my real work my be to rebuild a broken relationship that I may have had a part in neglecting. My job as an educator may require me to teach phonics to early readers; my real work may be to love and understand that disruptive child I find hardest to love.

This acknowledgement fosters emotional intelligence. We tend to be most comfortable around those who are authentic, those who fully embrace their humanity with all of its complexity and suffering. Aside from being more approachable, more trustworthy, and more likable, there are tangible benefits to cultivating this kind of self-acceptance and emotional intelligence. Scientists tracked 1000 children for 40 years and found that the number one predictor for financial success was emotional intelligence.

Recognizing our commonalities is one trait of emotional intelligence. We all suffer and we all seek peace, safety, fulfillment, contentment.

As I do the inner work, I am presented with new challenges. For example, if I hold myself accountable for my thoughts, words, and actions, it soon becomes apparent how few people hold themselves to this standard. If I discipline my speech, I become acutely sensitive to how the majority of people default to criticism, complaint, gossip, cognitive distortions, fallacies, and other forms of unskillful or unwholesome speech. This may create some inner tension. By undertaking self-improvement, I may become judgmental, impatient, or harsh with others who refuse to assume accountability for their own lives. To resolve this, I will need to cultivate another set of skills: compassion, tolerance, kindness, forgiveness, equanimity and detachment- starting with myself.

By handling our own brokenness compassionately and without judgment, we can then extend this to others struggling with their own shadows. For those stuck in Darkness will test your Light. What if that was their work? The defiant son will test his father's equanimity, a daughter's addiction may test her mother's love, a supervisor's ignorance may test our goodwill, an adversary's stubbornness may test our compassion.

Those who imagine they can remain apart from the troubles of this world are often, violently, dispelled of their illusions. Enlightened lamas and monks ensconced in Tibetan monasteries in the remote highlands of the Himalayas found no refuge when hordes of Chinese soldiers overran the villages and took Lhasa. Then came the real tests of Dhamma (Reality).

It was easy to love and spread thoughts of goodwill to all sentient beings in a quiet temple. It was much more difficult to extend love and thoughts of goodwill to those who destroyed the temple, killed the innocent, and imprisoned and tortured fellow monks and nuns.

Here, we can learn much about forgiveness and compassion from the exiles. For to grow in love (which I believe to be our purpose), we must see past the illusions and forgive...

or not; it is a choice.

On forgiveness, the Dalai Lama said in essence: we forgive the Chinese. That means we try not to harbor negative feelings toward them because of their misdeeds. But that does not mean we accept what they have done. Forgiveness means not to forget what was done. You may have to take countermeasures- but without malice, hatred, or anger.

This is difficult work. Indeed, 70 years after the Chinese occupation of Tibet, the Chinese still insist that the Dalai Lama "thoroughly correct" his political views as a condition for contact with China's central government. They are at an impasse, with the Chinese government refusing to consider any deviation from their position- to wit, that Tibet is a province of China.

Ironically, detachment is a key pillar to happiness in Buddhist philosophy. Attachment to land, thoughts, mental elaborations, identity, egoic constructs, religious rites or rituals, and even culture are roots to suffering. The Dalai Lama could just as easily let go of it all.

But this being human is hard work. Recognizing the humanity in others is hard work. Forgiving ourselves and others is hard work. Letting go is hard work. Recognizing our own goodness and the fundamental goodness of others is hard work- especially those who despitefully use us. But in recognizing the difficulty, we might let the pain in to instruct us and strengthen our resolve to be that light in the darkness.

"Be kind, everyone is fighting a hard battle," wrote Ian MacClellan. This hard work is much easier when we have a supportive community to lean on. Indeed, helping others may be the surest path to our own enlightenment and liberation. I admire those communities that protect their values and traditions in today's America, including the Amish, Orthodox Jews, Sikhs, and monastics of all faiths. They are close knit and communal- like the Rosetans of yesteryear.

CHALLENGE

Our social connections matter. Research shows that happy people spend more time with others and have a richer set of social connections than unhappy people. Studies even show that the simple act of talking to a stranger on the street can boost our mood more than we expect. Over the next seven days, try to focus on making one new social connection per day. It can be a small 5-minute act like sparking a conversation with someone on public transportation, asking a coworker about his/her day, or even chatting to the barista at a coffee shop. But you should also seek out more meaningful social connections, too. At least once this week, take a whole hour to connect with someone you care about— a friend who’s far away or a family member you haven’t talked to in a while. The key is that you must take the time needed to genuinely connect with another person. At the end of the day, list the social connection you made and notice how you feel when you jot it down.

Like it or not, we're in this Mystery together. May we grow in cooperation, compassion, and love. May we find our tribe and build stronger communities for the well-being of the Whole of which we are just a part.